My boy, Fisher's birthday is on Monday (I am thinking this will mostly likely be my last post until after Christmas - maybe), and while I write about M+L a lot, I don't often write about Fisher, it's only because as he gets older it feels like I should respect his privacy, not for lack of wanting to. But some things I will happily say out loud and how much I love and adore this boy is one of them. He says he doesn't read my blog, but I know sometimes he does because once in awhile he likes to inform me of my mistakes. If this is one of those times, this post is for you.
For everyone else, I hope you are reading this too and the world didn't end today! I also hope you have the merriest of holidays! How did the holidays sneak up on us so fast?!
In a few short days you will turn 15 years old. On one hand it seems like eons ago that you were a little baby, on the other it seems time has moved too swiftly and years have stacked upon each of us in no time at all. I see you turning an age I can still feel so vividly lives inside myself - it's crazy, dog. Something I didn't know when I was that age is that part of you will always feel not too far from it, so with that it feels monumental and it is, 15 is 15! You can start driving!! Wha what?!
15 to me is also three short years before you are 18 (sniff, sniff). 15 to me is when I, ehem, started making choices that weren't always in my best interest. 15 always sounded like a scary milestone to me as a parent. But when I look at you all I really feel is love and pride, not fear. I love who you are, not only as my child but as a person. I am honored to have you in my life whether you were my child or not, but the fact that you are makes my heart soar to the highest of heights. When I hear the phrase heart strings I automatically picture the two of us and think of a billion glistening strings attached from my heart to yours. They extend to infinity and reach in every direction and they constantly pull me, make me look at myself and how my actions and reactions affect you and your heart. It was just the two of us for so long, taking trips by train across the states, looking out from the top of the empire state building, singing and dancing to Elvis and watching Moulin Rouge and Toy Story over and over again.
And of course as you head to adulthood I see that cute little boy with his Elvis doll and perpetual flip-flops and I would love to cast a net out that stretched underneath you at all times in case you fall. And you will. But I will fall with you and I will quietly or loudly stretch out my hand to help you up, whichever you need. I would love to give you wings so you could fly around the world and dip and dive into each continent and every country to experience all the beauty in the world because you deserve that much and more. I simultaneously wish I could protect you from everything in the world and wish for you to experience everything in the world. In the end I just want you to know that no matter how old you get I've got your back - in fact I will probably be hovering over it, sorry about that. And I will find joy in your joy and always be proud and always, always love you.
No matter how old you get there are new things to learn and one thing I have learned is that parents often think of themselves as the shapers of their children, teaching them between right and wrong. And that is true, there must be limits and boundaries and lessons, and that is part of my role as a parent. However, you are also my teacher and I have learned so much from you. I know I am a better person because of you. I know your heart is vast and your mind is wise, and I hope only that I continue to grow with you to be what you need (like finding the correct amount of hovering in which to do). Because the moment you were born, it was clear you were exactly what I needed, the night you were born and we laid in my bed all snuggled up on Christmas eve it was like my soul was just waiting for you and my whole world was exactly as it was meant to be. So thank you for being my boy, thank you for being the funniest person I know(thank you for still thinking I am funny too), thank you for being the best big brother two little guys could ask for, thank you for letting me be your mama. And happy, happy birthday to the most wonderful human I know. xo