My days of late have been lazy. I had been so busy for awhile and you know what happens when I am really busy? I am really efficient. I get more done. My house is cleaner. I am cleaner. I do small things with every chance I get because the chance to do them is right there and it might not be later. I'll jump out of bed after I have settled in to just go ahead and put my clothes away so I can wake up to a clean room. I will excitedly think of all the projects I wish with all my heart I could be doing if I weren't so busy. And they actually sound fun. And I have to use all of my willpower to stay on task and not dive head first into one project after another.
Then as the busy dies down I still feel the need to be busy and so I force myself to take a break. Force myself to be idle for awhile. Because, you know, I need that after days/weeks/months of busy. But somewhere in my trying to rest and finding it I start to feel like I should get on with doing something. Productive. And I suddenly (or not suddenly but slowly) approach things with a groan and a stretch and an maybe I'll just do that tomorrow. And then when tomorrow comes I say the same thing. And I feel like I should be tackling some list I am sure I wrote down while I was busy - a list of things to do when I was someday not so busy. But looking for said list sounds like too much work. Then I feel a little bad for my lack of effort.
But then I look at my photos and I see the things I have been doing that don't require lists. Something like just being. Being present. Staring at my boys whilst they make a teeter-totter in a hiking trail I dragged us to in order to get away from the house and my feelings like I "should be doing something." I get to look at their faces and study their knees and elbows and absorb the long moments of exactly wherever we are. I hear them when they say "wanna watch me do sumkin?" And I say, "I do!" instead of "in a minute . . ." and then cheer for them after they do something that I think was suppose to be a summersault. I get to have visits with friends and picnics and read books and go for walks. Sometimes I have to remind myself that this stuff - just being is the most important thing I can be doing.